Painting Faith

Something in me broke this weekend. Like gears exploding out of a clock and scattering all across the floor.

I had a terrible taste in my mouth that I could only describe as the taste of hatred. After becoming so furious that my body was shaking, this awful flavor, like poison seeping from my body, filled my mouth. I’ve always had some anger issues, but never like this.

Yesterday laughter helped curb the shaking and the fury. But the taste remained. No mouth wash or tooth paste or food could remove it.

This morning, I reassessed the situation. I realized after distancing myself a little that my stance on the matter at hand had not changed. But I know my heart is not meant to carry that kind of hate toward another. I looked to the Bible for some guidance, as many times it says just what I need to overcome an emotional obstacle.

It made no sense. Someone might as well have taken a can of alphabet soup and poured it on a page.

So I tossed it aside and sat in the shower. I collected all the hate in my head and offered it up to God. But meanwhile, I was constantly making excuses for the hate, trying to hold tight to it and justify it as good. It wasn’t until I sat down and broke down crying with the shower pounding over me that I felt free of it. The headache I’ve had all weekend was gone. The taste in my mouth subsided.

All that remained was a lingering sense of sadness for the decades of wrongdoing that led to the events that caused me to completely come unhinged.

I’m not sure what to do now, but I know I am more capable of calmly and clearly handling this situation.

And once again I learned that there isn’t one correct way to communicate with God. There’s not perfect set of things you can say or do for atonement to occur. Life is about connecting with each other, with ourselves and with God in a very real way. Don’t manufacture your faith on what others tell you it should be.

But there are some simple truths. Our bodies are not meant to hate. Dispose of it in any way you can, and the world will be a better place, regardless of your beliefs.